I propose any guy with a girlfriend hire me to be used as a secret weapon against her for whatever she happens to be pissed off at in any given week.
I would make you seem much nicer, caring and compassionate (unless you're a real dick like O.J. Simpson) than any amount of flowers, expensive dinners and pictures with puppies could ever accomplish.
Here's how. A few weeks ago a spineless and brainless jellyfish put me in a hospital (and a brunette nurse wanted to pee on me, weirdo) and I thought I was going to die. I had left my cell phone at home so I had to call my mom…who called my girlfriend to tell her - hysterically - to bring my insurance card to the hospital.
Anyways, we get home and she says "Serves you right. You were supposed to come home and take care of me while I was sick." And then she goes off about how karma always comes back to bite me in the ass. Like the time I was in partying down in Panama with some big shot New York bankers and I was hitting on girls (to bring back to the bankers because they were payrolling the drinking that night) and fell down some steps, twisting my ankle.
And then she goes off about how I threw her little lap dog into the ocean…how I fart too much around her…and how at her first yacht christening I told the new owner of the boat that he should name it "Sea You in Hell".
Or probably in the future she'll complain about right now…how I'm writing about all these things that piss her off, to everybody in the world.
So here's the thing, I'm so good at pissing off women I could practically be sleeping and they'd be mad. Now, I propose you hire me just to hang around you. Then I'll tell all these stories (and make fun of her thighs) and she'll just absolutely LOVE you by comparison of how normal you're acting.
Here's the fee…$500 an hour. Ah, who am I kidding, I'll do it for free.
Mohawk Gringo
P.P.S. You know, as you walk through life you cannot help but be aware of all the corrupt business men, thieves, sex offenders, crooked politicians, war lords, tyrants, convicts, greedy religious conmen, lying wall street big wigs and all around jerkoffs. But, every once and a while, you come across someone like my girlfriend…and all seems right.
